i'm not a big girl. i'm not.

today was the last breastfeed

today was last last "milk from mommy's body"
the last "milkmilk"
I thought I might cry and feel emotional
but I held my girl
as usual
and scrolled on my i-phone for ten minutes
before remembering that this was the last breastfeed
the last
after three years.

exactly three years
today she turns three

I remembered
thank god
to put my phone down,
as I'd had to remember many times before:
put the phone down
and pay attention
look

there are swirls in her hair
there is that one circle that spirals out
as it grows, it continues to swirl,
and then eventually falls,
drapes a little
curls up at the ends
little whitish flips

I fed her like this from the day she was born
minutes into her life
tiny hands brushing against me, with no strength yet at all
the same brush of a feather I felt when she was on the inside
then by 6 months, those hands padded up, gained strength,
learned how to clutch a little
then grab
then squeeze
she learned to sit on my lap and pull at my shirt
she got teeth and learned how to use them

ouch

she learned to talk and ask for muck,
mik,
muiwk,
mulk,
milkmilk
milk

the times she fell asleep attached to me
more times probably than on her own



attached to me
attached to her

today was the last breastfeed

...

today is the next day
the day after the last breastfeed,
the first day I had to tell her no

birthday streamers still suspended

she cried
she said,
"i'm not a big girl!
no i'm not!"
i'm not
i'm not a big girl

oh
I know
I know
I like to be little too

she cried more

her dad woke up
we stayed calm
we explained again
she opted to cuddle on my lap and hear some books

much time will pass before
she will not cry for milk

the lettings-go
however
the growing up things
will last
will not go away

school,
hormones,
i'm not a big girl
a time to move away,
a new family,
no i'm not
a death,
i'm not
a birth,
weaning
i'm...

...

today is weeks after weaning
she stands,
weeping
at the foot of the bed
"i'm not a big girl!
i'm not!
wook at me!"
--and with a flourish
of tiny hands
from two and a half feet high head
to toe--
"i'm widd-uwl!"

I know
I know
I've been little too
health insurance.
operating systems.
snow tires.
I'm too little
income tax.
will. beneficiary.
I'm not a big girl
I'm not

...

today is months after
milk from mommy's body
streamers and balloons long-gone
she sticks a chilly hand in my shirt
she grins her katie grin
"my birthday is all gone
i'm not three anymore...
... please?"
we explain again
she accepts milk
from a cup
and moves on
there is coloring
collecting rocks
make believe she's a mommy

...

today is the first breastfeed
within the half-day after her birth
with worry for her size,
a nurse admonishes me because the baby hasn't peed
(or has she?  I didn't know I was supposed to check)
stern
scolding
an indictment of my milkmilk
threats like I'm not doing enough
like I'm a little girl

I know
I know
I look little sometimes
don't I?
I'm not
I'm big
I'm big now
I'm big enough to push a person out
I'm huge
I hold my little girl
and hold my ground
and
I am
not little
ever again

Photo by Lindsey Walters